Weevil Rock You
by gallifreyan idiot
Summary: Song parodies... Torchwood style! NOTE: Origionaly "All the Wedding Faries"
1. All the Wedding Fairies

**The ever importiant AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!!!!!!! **_*cue dramatic music* _Haha, yeah... So I figure y'all mightjust like a little backstory as to this. It all started one day, sitting next to my Torchwood obsessed friend in history. She was telling me about a musical she was planning, called 'Weevil Rock You'. We started parodying lyrics on the spot, to 'We Will Rock You'. Eventually, I suggested Ianto get a solo; "Wedding Fairies", to the tune of Beyonce's "Single Ladies". This is the end result. Maybe I shall publish more songs we come up with, maybe I shan't. It all depends on the ratings/reviews I get. And yes, I do know it doesn't go very well with the song in some places. And no, I do not own Torchwood (if I had, Ianto would still be alive and Captain John would be a regular. Along with a poodle), anything associated with the BBC (if I had, Russel would still be on the Doctor Who staff and David would have been (TEN)nant longer), or Beyonce (if I did… I don't know, what do you want me to say! Fill in the blank yourself!).

RATING- T, just to be safe, as there is slight innuendo in part of the song

SPOILERS- None. Assuming you're past Cyberwoman. If not… sorry. And a couple of them work better if you've seen the episode's I'm talking about. Or the scenes in question on YouTube. If you want a list, contact me and I will provide.

Wedding Faries (to the tune of Beyonce's "Single Ladies")

IANTO:

All the wedding faires (7x)

Now put your wings up  
Show your teeth, straighten your tie  
Work the coffee machine  
Cybergirlfriend died, I was kinda depressed  
Then the captain noticed me!  
I'm up on him, he up on me  
dont pay Gwen any attention  
She walked in, not our fault  
Back to where we were

[Chorus]  
Cuz you give the pteredon chocolate  
You give the pteredon chocolate  
It's good for her seretonian  
You give the pteredon chocolate

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh x2

Cuz you give the pteredon chocolate  
You give the pteredon chocolate  
It's good for her seretonian  
You give the pteredon chocolate

I got a stopwatch in one hand, tape measure in the other  
Jack says it never lies!  
acting up, coffee in my cup  
I didn't think the end of the world could get any worse  
She knows more than me  
Nobody knows more than me!  
Cuz I know everything  
And now you gonna learn  
Plus it's at the bottom of the screen

(Chorus)

Cuz you give the pteredon chocolate  
You give the pteredon chocolate  
It's good for her seretonian  
You give the pteredon chocolate

woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh 2x

The phone network is down  
Landlines, mobiles  
Tin cans with bits of string  
Everything, absolutely everything

No phones, phones all broken  
Hello, is anyone there  
No, cuz the phones are down  
The phones are down  
The phones are down

All the wedding faries (7x)  
Now put your wings up  
woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh  
oh oh oh 2x

Cuz you give the pteredon chocolate  
You give the pteredon chocolate  
It's good for her seretonian  
You give the pteredon chocolate woo oh ooh 2x

Spoken- I thought it was catchy


	2. John Hart

**Le/La AUTHORS NOTE!!! **_Small child runs screaming from the room_ Right then… from the outpouring of positive reviews off 'Wedding Fairies" comes the second installment of Torchwood!song parodies. Backstory time: I heard the song "Tik Tok" by Ke$hia long before watching the Torchwood episode "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang". After giving TT a couple listens, I thought "OMG! This is such a Captain John song! There needs to be a fanvid!" Incidentally, I found no fanvid relating to the topic matter. Back on subject; while the song is absolutely _perfect_ on its own as a Capt. John theme song, and if you don't believe me give it a listen, I figured I could try to doctor it up a bit. I don't like it as much as Wedding Fairies, but I kinda gave myself a challenge with a song already perfect for the character, so I feel I did a good job.

DISCLAIMER- I own absolutely nothing. Not Torchwood, not the BBC, not anything related, not Ke$hia, not her record company, _nothing_. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfictions, would I? I'd be writing the actual series and having Ke$hia singing this version of the song. Or at least I'd try. For entertainment purposes only, yada yada yada.

RATING- A little higher T than Ianto's, because it's John, but still T nonetheless

SPOILERS- None, assuming you've seen "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang". If not, then you have no idea who Captain John Hart is and this fanfic will make no sense, so that's your own fault, isn't it?

John Hart (parody of 'Tik Tok' by Ke$hia)

Wake up in the morning straight out of rehab  
(drugs, alcohol, sex)  
Grab my wrist strap, I'm out the rift, I'm gonna hit this city  
(murder)  
Before I leave, brush my teeth with Captain Jack  
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back

I'm talking parylizing lip gloss, gloss  
Chugging down all that booze, booze  
Boys blowing up our phones, phones  
Lock loading playing 'Song 2'  
Pulling up to some random bar  
Gonna get more than tipsy

Don't stop, make it pop  
Ex trying to blow me up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Till they call the cops

John Hart, round the clock  
But my party won't stop, no

Don't stop, make it pop  
Ex trying to blow me up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Till they call the cops

John Hart, round the clock  
But my party won't stop, no

Ain't got a care in the world; did I mention I'm armed?  
Ain't got the larger wrist strap, but mine lasts longer

Want everyone lining up cause I know I got swagger  
And won't kick em to the curb even if they look a poodle  
I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk  
Trying to sell them on some junk, junk  
Gonna smack him before he gets drunk drunk

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out  
Or the police shut us down, down  
Police shut us down, down  
At least they tried

Don't stop, make it pop  
Ex trying to blow me up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Till they call the cops

John Hart, round the clock  
But my party won't stop, no

Don't stop, make it pop  
Ex trying to blow me up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Till they call the cops

John Hart, round the clock  
But my party won't stop, no

Torchwood  
Not 'Excalibur'?  
Blizzard?  
Bikini Cops, just Torchwood?

With my hands up  
More guns than you  
You got that right  
Call Torchwood

Jack came on up  
I pushed him off  
How'd he come back  
He was dead!

With eyes like that  
You can call me 'Vera'  
Call me 'Vera'

Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in

Don't stop, make it pop  
Ex trying to blow me up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Till they call the cops

John Hart, round the clock  
But my party won't stop, no

Don't stop, make it pop  
Ex trying to blow me up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Till they call the cops

John Hart, round the clock  
But my party won't stop, no

**Author's Note… Part II: **Short n sweet then: Now that this has turned into a proper fanfic, some credits should be in order- Thanks to XbrokenXstarsX, for coming up with part of 'Wedding Fairies', coming up with the title 'Weevil Rock You', being my unofficial beta, and whatever else she feels she should be credited for. Thanks to the BBC for creating Doctor Who and Torchwood, otherwise this fic would have never existed. Thanks to the musicians whose songs I parody, trust me, I wouldn't bother with them unless they weren't already brilliant.

Now, which poor Torchwood soul shalt I torture next… (yes, suggestions are appreciated)


	3. I'm Immortal

**What time is it? AUTHOR'S NOTE TIME!!! **_*dramatic music* _I'm not apologizing, I like my elaborate author's note introductions. So yeah, sorry this one took a while to come, I started working on one for Gwen but then didn't like it as much as it wasn't working very well, so I decided to start one for the Captain Man (please tell me I'm not the only one that calls him that in my head…). I liked the song because it was kinda Jack without being already too perfect, unlike Capt. Johns, which I think the 'song already perfect'-ness didn't make it work as well as Ianto's.

So, commentary on the requests that have been left in the reviews part- As of right now, the songs requested would probably sound a tad better if the fic was more serious, unlike this one which was meant to be a commentary. Does that mean a more serious one isn't in the future? No, in fact, I might even try a Doctor Who one and one with a plotline. But I'd like every Torchwood staff member (and maybe a couple more such as oh, Alonso? Wouldn't be the best because of lack of character development, but I could possibly work something out) before I start another fic. Or finish I should say, I have a couple from crossover and other fandoms lurking around in my computer's memory system that I don't exactly love.

More potential future information- So, as my increased knowledge of epicsongs constantly is added to, I was thinking of maybe adding a real, unparodied song at the end of each fic that I thought suited the character, kinda as an annotation. Just the title, not the lyrics or anything, you'd have to look it up yourself. Thoughts are appreciated.

And the basic legalities-

RATING: T. Really, just T. It's almost kinda sad that it isn't even a high T.

SPOILERS: Ahm, a few if you turn your head and squint. I'm not saying when and where though.

DISCLAIMER: This is for entertainment purposes only. I do not own nor am I associated with Torchwood, The BBC, Lady Gaga or even anything else really. Trust me, if I was, there would be a Torchwood musical out by now. Incedentaly, one was supposedly in the plans but was never produced. Random trivia of the day. And if I was associated with Lady Gaga, I would be very wealthy right now and not have to write fanfic.

JACK- I'm Immortal (Parody of Lady Gaga's _Bad Romance_)

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ma!  
Torchwood-ooh-la-la!  
Cos I'm immortal

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ma!  
Torchwood-ooh-la-la!  
Cos I'm immortal

I won't get ugly  
I won't get diseased  
I won't get anything  
That causes demise  
I want your love  
Love-love-love  
I want your love

I want your Doctor  
The touch of Ianto  
I want his stopwatch induced kiss in the office  
All I want is love  
Love-love-love  
I want his love  
Love-love-love  
I'll get his love

You know that I love you  
And you know that I'd never forget you  
Too bad I'm immortal, too bad, too bad

And as a warning  
My lovers all die  
We could all write a bad romance  
Just as a warning  
My lovers won't live  
I could write such a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ma!  
Torchwood-ooh-la-la!  
Cos I'm immortal

I take on horrors  
Of alien design  
'Cause they're criminals  
If they're for Torchwood  
I just want love  
Love-love-love  
I just want love

I have this psycho  
Ex-boyfriend (wife)  
51st century pheromones  
Just draw them in  
I had his love  
Love-love-love  
I had his love  
Love-love-love  
I want your love

You know it's my kittenish personality  
And you know that I love you  
I too bad I'm immortal, too bad, too bad

And as a warning  
My lovers all die  
We could all write a bad romance  
Just as a warning  
My lovers won't live  
I could write such a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ma!  
Torchwood-ooh-la-la!  
Cos I'm immortal

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ma!  
Torchwood-ooh-la-la!  
Cos I'm immortal

Walk walk fashion baby  
Work it  
Move that coat crazy  
Walk walk fashion baby  
Work it  
Move that coat crazy  
Walk walk fashion baby  
Work it  
Move that coat crazy  
Walk walk fashion baby  
Work it  
Imma free bitch baby

My lovers all die  
And I must live on  
They all die  
I don't wanna be alone

(The Same But In French)

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

And as a warning  
My lovers all die  
We could all write a bad romance  
Just as a warning  
My lovers won't live  
I could write such a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!  
It's because I'm immortal

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ma!  
Torchwood-ooh-la-la!  
Cos I'm immortal

**There's an author's note part two? **_*Nods solemnly* _I would also like to state I saw this clip after I started working on this parody, and… well, I think it enhances the experience- .com/watch?v=V5-3JyufhtE


	4. Back in Rhys' Head

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_ *applause applause* _Thank you, thank you. So, it's been a while since I last updated. Dang school, it has to be a priority. So, it is now Gwen's turn to be parody'd. Ahm, not too sure how much I honestly like it; it's a departure from my previous dance melodies, a song that's actually on my iPod- Back in Your Head by Tegan and Sara. It's an excellent song; if I had to choose one song out of all the ones I've parodied to recommend to my readers, it would be this one. Something about the line 'I'm not unfaithful but I stray' just reminded me of Gwen. As always, comments are appreciated, suggestions for songs you'd like to see done, corrections on if I got something wrong, anything, even if it's merely to tell me you like mocha shakes from Whataburger. Actually, if it's only the last one, you can probably keep that to yourself. And now, commercial break for the standard legalities-

_DISCLAIMER_: The writer of this story would like to confirm that she neither owns nor is associated with Torchwood or Tegan and Sara. The closest she comes to owning either is the ownage of three Tegan and Sara albums. The author is kinda ashamed that she owns no Torchwood items, and watches it online. She does watch Doctor Who, which is probably the closest she will come to owning anything Torchwood related.

_RATING:_ Honestly, this could be 'G' rated. Actually, if you know what I'm talking about in a certain few lines, "PG". But if you don't watch Torchwood (and if you don't why are you reading the fanfic?), it's perfectly 'G'!

_SPOILERS:_ Eh, not really. Maybe a little for season one, if you turn your head and squint. Oh, right, second verse has definite spoilers for "Adam" (2.5). Not even that much, I think 'definite spoilers' is a bit exaggeration. But if you haven't seen the episode, then… yeah.

_Main program resumes_

Back in Rhys' Head (to the tune of "Back in Your Head" by Tegan and Sara)

GWEN

Drug you up on Retcon one night  
Tell you that I hunt aliens  
Fall asleep  
Before you forgive me  
Remember when I had a normal job?

I just want back in your head  
I just want back in your head  
I'm not unfaithful  
I just stray  
Straight to Owen  
Straight to Owen  
But I'd like Jack

When I didn't remember who you were  
I know that bit hurt important parts of you  
But you remembered when I was sweet and unexplainable!  
Nothing like that person, unlovable

I just want back in your head  
I just want back in your head  
I'm not unfaithful  
It's the stress!  
Go straight to Owen's  
Straight to Owen's  
Although I'd like Jack

Cos in Torchwood we  
Run, run, run  
Run  
Run, run, run  
Run

I just want back in your head  
I just want back in your head  
I'm not unfaithful  
I just stray


	5. Teching With Myself

**Wussat? AUTHOR'S NOTE! **_*jazz hands* _I'm back! This one took me a while, but considering the ridiculous amounts of homework I had, I probably could have finished it sooner. Stupid ridiculous amounts of homework, when am I ever going to need to know the difference between a vertical angle and co interior angles in real life? And then I found a song that I liked for Owen's parody… and promptly forgot which song, so now I need to find a new one. But even with all that hardship, I would like to introduce Tosh's parody! I'm rather torn between liking it and thinking it needs a few edits, but on the whole, I do like it and can see her singing it.

Oh, and by the by, for random author's notes as I write the chapters, check the reviews, I'll post an author's note there every now and again. And for those that are interested, my Doctor Who song parodies are now up, just one, I'm working on the second, again, ridiculous amounts of homework, it's called _21st Century Timelord_ for all those who are interested. I'd recommend it, but I might be a little partial because I wrote it.

_WE PAUSE THE REGUARLY SCHEDUELD PROGRAM FOR AN IMPORTIANT NEWS BULITAN:_

DISCLAIMER: Add to the list of things I don't own: Torchwood, Billy Idol, Glee, _Dancing With Myself_, Captain Jack Harkness, The Doctor, The Starship Enterprise, and a chocolate chip cookie. If I owned any of these, do you know how wealthy I would be? No, really, tell me, cos I have no idea. I really want that chocolate chip cookie right now.

RATING: Ahm, I don't think there's anything overly offensive, so it goes in the K drawer.

SPOILERS: _Dead Man Walking_ and _Fragments_. _Adam_ if you squint and turn your head. And it's nothing exactly devastating OMG Snape kills Dumbledore! style of spoilers for either, more like stubble hints that you get if you've seen it. If you haven't seen it, than you probably shouldn't be reading the fanfic.

_AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMING_

Teching With Myself (parody of Billy Idol's _Dancing With Myself_ as covered by the cast of Glee)

TOSH:

Child in Tokyo  
Now to Cardiff I go-go  
Torchwood tech department  
And a rodent named Owen

I'm a-teching with myself

Oh, when there's aliens in sight  
In the crowded, lonely night  
Well, I wait so long for Torchwood to be done  
They leave me teching with myself

oh, teching with myself  
oh, teching with myself  
Well there's nothing to lose  
And there's nothing to prove  
And I'm teching with myself

Cos I've looked all over the world  
And there's every type of guy  
But your zombie eyes seem to pass me by  
And leave me teching with myself

So let's build a sonic modulator  
But he said the plans were wrong  
If I had a chance, I'd get out of this cell  
And I'd be teching with myself

oh, teching with myself  
oh, teching with myself  
Well there's nothing to lose  
And there's nothing to prove  
And I'm teching with myself

oh, teching with myself  
oh, teching with myself  
Well there's nothing to lose  
And there's nothing to prove  
And I'm teching with myself

So let's build a sonic modulator  
But he said the plans were wrong  
If I had a chance, I'd get out of this cell  
And I'd be teching with myself  
So let's build that sonic modulator  
But it ended up working alright?

oh, teching with myself  
oh, teching with myself  
Well there's nothing to lose  
And there's nothing to prove  
And I'm teching with myself

oh, teching with myself  
oh, teching with myself  
Well there's nothing to lose  
And there's nothing to prove  
And I'm teching with myself


	6. Waking Up a Zombie

**My author's note brings all ye gentlefolk to the yard, and they're like, tis better than thine, verily, ths better than thine, I could teacheth thee, but I'd have to parry a fee: **You know what this means, right? WE FINALLY HAVE OWEN'S PARODY! Sorry this took so long, I had finals and end of second semester. As much as I'm certain I'll never need parabola's in real life, I still figured it would be good to pass stuff. But anyway, school's over, so I had time to work on finishing this up. As of right now, I'm marking it as complete, but if the idea comes along, I might add one or two from time to time (I kinda want to do one for PC Andy with Scouting for Girls' "James Bond"). But until then, enjoy!

If you want my honest opinion on this one, I rate it second; not as good as _Wedding Fairies_, but just above _Back in Rhys' Head_. Again, apologies for getting this one out so late, it took me a while to find a song that I liked for Owen that wasn't double dipping from any of the previous artists. And school, but mainly trying to find the right song. Then _California Girls_ popped on the radio one morning, and I was like "What about _Waking Up in Vegas_?" So, thank the radio for this one!

**Rating**- I honestly think this one's a PG (or K+, or whatever uses). Ahm, I don't know why, it just feels right.

**Spoilers**- Ahm, the majority of the second season relating to Owen's plotline (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you shouldn't be here. If you couldn't gather potential spoilers from the title, than I have a right to Gibbs Smack you)

**Disclaimer**- If I owned it, I wouldn't need to be writing fanfiction. If I owned the songs, I wouldn't need to be parodying them. Since I am writing a fanfiction of parodies, it can be deduced that I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING.

Waking Up a Zombie (Parody of Katy Perry's _Waking Up in Vegas_)

OWEN:

You gotta help me out  
It's all a blur last night  
"We need a risen mitten 'cause Owen's dead on the floor  
I broke the last one but gloves tend to come in pairs"  
Spare me your freakin' dirty looks  
Now I blame you  
You want your precious codes

Then get the hell out of here

Don't be a baby  
Remember what you told me  
Shut up I just cut my thumb off  
That's what you get for waking up a zombie  
Get up, I'm just broken now  
That's what you get for waking up a zombie

Why are these lights so bright  
didn't I get killed last night, shot in the chest,  
And why am I lying in autopsy?  
Don't go out drinking  
'Cause now it won't digest

Don't be a baby  
Remember what you told me  
Shut up and go beat those heat sensors  
That's what you get for waking up a zombie  
Get up, I'm just broken now  
That's what you get for waking up a zombie

You got me into this  
Information overload, situation lost control  
"Resurrect Owen"  
And now I'm broken  
You thought this was a good idea?

Don't be a baby  
Remember what you told me (x3)  
Told me, told me, told me  
Shut up and just enjoy camping  
That's what you get for waking up a zombie  
Get up, I'm just broken now  
That's what you get for waking up a zombie  
That's what you get

Need to clean out the fridge  
I'm broken, baby  
I'm broken, baby


End file.
